I pretend I’m a busy girl, but really I spend the majority of my time watching 30 Rock reruns and eating pizza bagels.
Liz: “I just wish people would tell you immediately when you meet them, ‘Hi, I’m so-and-so, here’s all the weird stuff about me.'”
Pete: “That would never work. If I told my wife in college ‘Hey I’m gonna lose all this beautiful hair and fart in my sleep for 20 years,’ she never would have married me. Love is like an onion, and you peel away layer after stinky layer until you’re just weeping over the sink.”
So freaking true. While I love the idea of getting to know someone over time, learning what makes him or her laugh/cry/puke, I think there are certain things you just need to know upfront.
- Serial killer status. Really any jail time for that matter. Deal breaker.
- Obsession with more than 2 professional sports teams. Two is the absolute limit. I love football, but I don’t want to spend my life watching sports. An ex insisted on watching every single Eagles, Phillies, 76ers, and Flyers game. And since all of them seem to overlap at some point, that leaves time for pretty much nothing else.
- Too health conscious to fat around with me on Saturdays.
- Crowd pleaser. You need to be original, be able to stand out, and think for yourself.
- You dress up rodents like Steve Carrell’s character from Dinner for Schmucks. True story: a guy I went to dinner with buys specialty costumes for his guinea pigs and photographs them with tiny props. He has at least 7 Facebook albums of pictures.
- Unwilling to step out of your comfort zone. If you’re never spontaneous and refuse to try anything new, it’s not gonna be fun.
- You are dating other people/have a girlfriend/are married. Self-explanatory. I wish guys had to wear those Indian dots on their foreheads. Or maybe we could implement some sort of barcode system.
- Allergies. Specifically to things I love such as puppies and peanut butter. Not necessarily a deal breaker, but still need to be considered.
- Socks and sandals.
- You have no drive. You’re working at a job you don’t care about and are in no hurry to find a better one.
- You yell your own name when you climax.
- Cheating. In Monopoly, in relationships, in life.
- You’re going to judge me when I want to sit in my sweatpants all day and watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s. While I’m pretty awesome, I’m not going to be perfectly put together all the time. I’m gonna need to cry over Audrey kicking Cat out of the cab once in awhile.
- You can’t afford to buy me a drink, or you’re too cheap to. Going Dutch is fine, but be a gentleman.
- You wear women’s jeans and look better in them than I do.
- Texting naked photos when I have not seen you naked in person.
- Hatred of breakfast foods/pasta/beer/cheese. What is wrong with you????
- We’ve gone on one date and you’ve already written a song about me.
- You’re under Federal Investigation.