A lot of girls have been saying how much they’re like Zooey Deschanel’s character Jess from New Girl. But I doubt any of them have actual scientific evidence to back up their claims. It’s one thing to be quirky, it’s another to be the same exact person.
Proof point #1: I sing 87% of what I say. I even have my own secret theme song. In 8th grade, my friends used to keep a tally every day of how many times I sang things. Once it reached 104 in one day. My favorite tune was “I’m doing my math, doing my math, I don’t wanna take a bath, cause I’m doing my math!” I became semi-famous for my Facebook song parodies that I would bestow upon my friends’ walls. I also have a binder full of jingles I’ve written for when Barry Manilow dies and I can take over his empire.
Proof point #2: I speak in extremely weird voices. I once spent an entire summer speaking in a Borat-like accent. I was 16 and Borat hadn’t even come out yet.
Proof point #3: Breakfast at Tiffany’s is my sobfest movie of choice: I will literally rewind the Moon River part and replay it over and over and over when I’m sad.
Proof point #4: I’m not a kindergarten teacher, but I did spend 4 years teaching the kindergarten Sunday school class. And yes, I used to dress-up in costumes and sing and do amazing crafts with them.
Proof point #5: I have those same glasses and I wear them all the time because lately I’m too lazy to look good and/or order more contacts.
Proof point #6: I can’t say the word… well you know.
Proof point #7: Pink wine makes me slutty. No explanation needed.
Proof point #8: The episode where Jess has to return to her old place to get all of her stuff back from her ex actually happened to me in just as hilarious of a fashion.
Proof point #9: I am the most awkward person in the entire world.
Proof point #10: Let’s face it, I’m adorkable.