I received my jury duty notice a month ago, filled out the info online, and was told to check-in at 5pm the night before I was due to report. Everyone told me I probably wouldn’t even have to go.
The month flew by and when I called, the recording said only jurors numbered 1 – 329 needed to report.
Guess who’s #328?
It sucks because it’s not even a cool, giant murder trial. It’s petit jury duty (not just for shorties).
So, I am devising a list of ways to get out of this and one day get a big, bad-ass trial.
1. Loudly state I don’t believe anyone should be allowed to own a gun while wearing tie-dye and dreads.
2. Carry a copy of Mein Kampf.
3. Casually mention my mafia connections.
4. Answer every question with “guilty”.
5. Pretend to go into labor.
6. Refuse to remove my sunglasses (lawyers don’t like mystery).
7. Attempt to organize a flashmob.
8. Participate in a different form of flashing.
9. Speak in Pig Latin.
10. Sob hysterically.
11. Act like a velociraptor.
12. No pants.
13. Request a police escort 24/7.
14. Make up a highly-contagious disease.
15. Answer every question with a question, Jeopardy-style.
16. Recite a monologue from my high school play, The Jury Room.
17. Ask if our alien overlords will be participating in the proceedings.
18. Pretend I’m auditioning for the Wizengamot.
19. Wink constantly.
20. Refer to myself in the third person.
21. Tweet everything.
22. Instead of swearing to tell the truth, solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
Now accepting any and all tips.