My dog is not a Sith Lord

Am I the only person who enjoys walking outside barefoot? I was walking my dog today sans shoes and I kept getting the strangest looks from my neighbors. It’s not like we live in some urban wasteland where the streets are filled with unsterilized needles and used condoms. The worst thing I could step on is a stray piece of gravel. Although, admittedly, I have walked barefoot in city streets, most notably Philadelphia’s Broad Street during a monsoon. Because I’m weird and like walking in the city rain and my feet haven’t felt any pain since I was forced to dance with blocks of wood on my toes for six years.

Besides not feeling pain I also have this abnormally large space between by big toe and the rest of my toes, on both feet. I mean, my feet are small. My toes are freaking miniscule. My nickname in dance was Twinkle Toes. I can’t even paint my pinky toe nail because it doesn’t exist. But anyway, that space is due to the fact that when I sit with my legs crossed on a couch or bed, I rest my entire top foot in between that space. Everyone thinks I’m so weird and gross, but it is so extremely comfortable and cozy.

This post is becoming all about my feet which was never my intention.

May the fourth be with you!

(My excellent method of segway in conversation is to shout-out the topic I desire to talk about. This would make me an excellent presidential candidate during debates.)

Today is Star Wars Day and also, my dog’s birthday. So in avoiding being a real person and unloading the dishwasher/putting on pants/finishing my nutrition project, I decided to have a little fun.

Did you know there are sites with free Stars Wars character printable masks?

This actually is not the first time I have used this service, but we’ll save that story for another time because I’m already turning this into the longest post in the history of time.

I decided it would be adorable to take picture of Kirby in various masks. I decided to go with an Ewok (because he looks exactly like one), Yoda (because he is wise and I like to think he speaks in the same uncompositioned way) and Darth Vader (because he is a little bit evil).

The Darth Vader one dried first, and this is what ensued:

Kirby, come here! I have a birthday treat for you! *Distracts dog with treat as I halfway fasten mask to his bandana*
Successfully attached mask, but the dog is obviously not interested in my tom foolery. Either that, or he does not want people to see his Dark Side. Oh, and at the bottom of this picture you can see part of my small toe. So the first part of this post was actually relevant and not at all rambly.
*Must destroy Dark Forces* I should really consider a career as an action shot photog.
*I haz conquered Sith Lord*. At this point, I attempted to explain how Darth was actually a good guy underneath it all and he saved his son by sacrificing himself, but Kirby was having none of it.
*I can haz treat now?* 

I’m not a player, I just crush a lot.

I will freely admit that I am one of those girls who fall in like very quickly. Whether it’s the cute Coast Guard boy in my accounting class, Alec Baldwin, or someone I have an actual shot at dating, I tend to read people fairly well and assess their potential in my large pool of daydream scenarios.

When I’m not crushing on a real, live human being, I sometimes turn to fictional characters. That’s right, I’m a fictiophile. I wouldn’t say I’m quite as creepy as the middle aged women who gets tattoos of Edward Cullen’s face on their bodies, but I’m heading in that direction.

Some of my current and former crushes include:

Oliver Wood (book version, not movie version)

In the books, we get to see him as a man in control (and maybe a little OCD). Yum.

Super Grover

Yes, I have a crush on a Sesame Street character. But it’s the superhero version, so back off.

Marius from Les Mis
If you’ve never seen Les Mis, you really should. I relate so much to Eponine, admiring Marius from afar and dreaming of being with him.
Cory Matthews

How can you not love Cory Matthews? I remember being young and watching Boy Meets World, dreaming about the day I’d meet a guy just like him,  loving and goofy.

Peeta Mellark (book version since I haven't seen the movie)

Oh, Peeta. He may be the perfect guy. Loving, protective, creative, and funny. Plus, he can bake.

Matt Saracen

I dare you to watch Friday Night Lights and not fall in love with Matt. He is so sweet, shy, and dorky, it makes me squeal. Watching him pursue and then love Julie is the most adorable thing ever.

Henry Alden from The Boxcar Children

One of my biggest childhood crushes. I used to dream I was their neighbor and got to go on adventures and fall in love with Henry.

Ephram Brown

Everwood was my favorite show through middle school/early high school. Ephram was my dream guy and probably the reason I dated a pianist. He was dark and brooding, and yet had this sarcastic humor I just loved.

 I’ve left out one of my biggest crushes: my Disney “prince” crush! You can see him revealed here tomorrow. (Ah, the anticipation).

And now that I’ve ‘fessed up, who are some of your fictional crushes?

Short girl probs

I’ve always been on the short side of life. Growing up I was in the front (shorty) row of my class pictures every year. Sure, it was cute when I was little, but I never thought my height would prevent me from getting the most out of life.

I used to dream of being a Rockette. A lot of the girls in my dance class were tall with super long legs who could very well go on to become future Rockettes. My dance teacher used to talk about the Rockettes and how we all needed to learn to be in sync and match each others’ movements in our dances. Every Christmas I looked forward to the Radio City Christmas Spectacular and dreamed of one day being on that stage, legs kicking high and a huge smile on my face.

That dream was dashed when I stopped growing around 7th grade. I didn’t get any taller and I still wore kids’ size shoes.

So now I’m a short girl living in a tall world. I will never be a Rockette. But that’s not the only profession that discriminates against the vertically-challenged. I will also never be a runway model, a WNBA star, or a military pilot. I don’t even meet the height requirement to audition to be Belle in Disneyworld: yet another dream destroyed.

I will never be able to reach the top shelf at the grocery store. I’m the worst volleyball player ever (well… that’s not just because of my height). Seatbelts are torture devices that choke me. My feet usually don’t reach the ground when I’m sitting and tables come up to my chest at restaurants.

I’ve tried using super high heels to add a couple inches, but my fear of heights often makes this difficult. So for now, I’ll learn to love life at this height.

What are your short/tall probs?

Who’s that girl?

A lot of girls have been saying how much they’re like Zooey Deschanel’s character Jess from New Girl. But I doubt any of them have actual scientific evidence to back up their claims. It’s one thing to be quirky, it’s another to be the same exact person.

Proof point #1: I sing 87% of what I say. I even have my own secret theme song. In 8th grade, my friends used to keep a tally every day of how many times I sang things. Once it reached 104 in one day. My favorite tune was “I’m doing my math, doing my math, I don’t wanna take a bath, cause I’m doing my math!” I became semi-famous for my Facebook song parodies that I would bestow upon my friends’ walls. I also have a binder full of jingles I’ve written for when Barry Manilow dies and I can take over his empire.

Proof point #2: I speak in extremely weird voices. I once spent an entire summer speaking in a Borat-like accent. I was 16 and Borat hadn’t even come out yet.

Proof point #3: Breakfast at Tiffany’s is my sobfest movie of choice: I will literally rewind the Moon River part and replay it over and over and over when I’m sad.

Proof point #4: I’m not a kindergarten teacher, but I did spend 4 years teaching the kindergarten Sunday school class. And yes, I used to dress-up in costumes and sing and do amazing crafts with them.

Proof point #5: I have those same glasses and I wear them all the time because lately I’m too lazy to look good and/or order more contacts.

Proof point #6: I can’t say the word… well you know.

Proof point #7: Pink wine makes me slutty. No explanation needed.

Proof point #8: The episode where Jess has to return to her old place to get all of her stuff back from her ex actually happened to me in just as hilarious of a fashion.

Proof point #9: I am the most awkward person in the entire world.

Proof point #10: Let’s face it, I’m adorkable.

Dishonorary Girl Scout

I like to pretend that I was a polite, sweet child and that my shyness growing up made me an easy kid.  But that’s a lie.

I’ve always been crazy.  I’m hyper and weird and emotional and full of a thousand ideas.  And that’s what got me kicked out of Girl Scouts.

Okay, so I technically didn’t get kicked out. I was super busy with dance class almost 20 hours a week and something had to give.  But I did get kicked out of a Girl Scout meeting and when you’re nine years old that’s pretty much the end of the world.

It was fourth grade and I was really coming into my dramatic flair and comedic timing.  I was always on the hunt for a captivated audience for which to perform my stand-up routine on the woes of cafeteria food.

My school district had been overrun by Republicans and old people voting against our school budget year after year, so a lot of our specials had been cut or downsized.  The stage where we would have had our big fourth grade play (in which I surely would have been the star) had been converted into classroom space for art class.  There would be no play.

I was devastated.  With no audience for what would surely be my big break, I started partaking in shenanigans in other more inopportune times.

Girl Scout meetings were ideal.  There were about 20 of us, and I was definitely the funniest one.  We’d be quietly sewing our sit-upons and I would burst out with a crazy story or hilarious observation.  The troop leaders usually smiled along and let me be.  But not Mrs. Bowers.

A little background: Mrs. Bowers’ daughter was in my grade and she was also named Christine.  That’s right, she was a name-stealer.  We did not get along.  Mostly because I was awesome and she was stupid.

Obviously this stupidity ran in the family, because Mrs. Bowers was the worst.  I dreaded the weeks where she would run our meetings.

This particular week, we were doing some craft in the art room on the stage where I should have been becoming famous and not gluing glitter to dry macaroni.

For some reason, Mrs. Bowers insisted we be completely silent during this activity.  There was really no reason for it and I was feeling restless, so I started up one of my routines.  I had the crowd going with lots of laughs when Mrs. Bowers gave me my first warning.

I chose to ignore her and figured she would never follow through with her threat to remove me from the meeting.  I continued cracking jokes as she glared at me.  She finally yelled at me and the room became silent.

She came over, grabbed me out of my chair, and led me down the stage stairs.  She told me to sit on the steps and not move until my mom came to pick me up.  I could not believe her audacity.  Here I was, a burgeoning star, and she thought she had the right to silence me??? Who did she think she was??? I was going to be famous and she was merely a bored suburban housewife with no sense of humor and an ugly daughter.

I started crying (no surprise considering I cry at everything, including car commercials).  I could hear the sounds of my fellow Scouts whispering about me as they crafted.

That was my last year in Girl Scouts.  I finally chose to commit fully to dance where I could be a total ham on a real stage and get trophies for it.

Trophies are so much better than badges.

cute puppy videos = current addiction

thank god for youtube.  i seriously do not know what i would do without it.  i can literally spend hours watching videos of puppies.  every time i find another adorably hilarious video, i immediately pass it on to my friends and my mom.  there’s no better cure for a bad mood (and also no better way to procrastinate. it’s like getting sucked into a black hole of cuteness)

this video reminds me so much of my dog kirby.