Empty Bowl

Lacey was adopted Saturday. While I’m happy she found a great, active family who will love her, I’m devastated for myself. When she hopped in their car and didn’t look back, I just broke. I know this is part of fostering. I’ve been doing this for a year and a half. It’s always hard when I adopt out a foster. I always cry. Then again, I cry at furniture commercials. But this was different.

I heard about Lacey back in October when our foster coordinator texted me her picture and asked if I wanted to foster  a preggo lab who was being kept in a cold auto shop garage. Obviously, my immediate answer was yes. Just looking at her picture, I felt a connection. I have a soft spot for mommy dogs but there was something about her. I couldn’t stop worrying about her and I hadn’t even met her yet. I just knew in my heart we were meant to be in each other’s lives.

She ended up having her 8 puppies way sooner than expected and luckily we found a two week foster down in Georgia since the whole fam was sleeping in a 30 degree freezing garage. They finally made their way up to me the second week of November. Lacey was ridiculously skinny, but taking such good care of her babies. They were so tiny. The second I got them all in my house and settled, Lacey just collapsed on the floor, buried her head in my lap, and slept. Instant connection.

Fostering 8 puppies was the craziest thing I have ever done. But I got through it and everyone was adopted, except for Lacey. She had amazing prospects, but we kept getting disappointed. I told myself when she arrived that even though I loved her at first sight, she couldn’t be mine. But I started getting attached. I cooked her 4-5 homemade meals a day to help her gain weight, looking ridiculous as a vegetarian trying to make bacon and liver. She came to me completely untrained, having constant accidents in the house, and always trying to escape. I I forced myself to not get too attached the first couple months. I had other families lined up for her. But when those fell through… I just couldn’t pretend I didn’t love her. She was so stressed out when I was gone for Christmas and then just bounded into my arms when I picked her up.  I saw her blossom and it inspired me to want to be better, too.

I miss how she would push her head under my arm to get pets and just flop down on the floor when she was tired. I know she deserves better and needs a great, active family, but a big part of me needs her. When I adopted Truly, she got me out of my hole and pushed me to be a better person. She got me back into school, back on my career path, and got me excited to get up and do good. But part of me feels like I’ve stalled out. And Lacey came to me during that time of treading water and started to inspire me to reach higher. Push myself to be the best I could be in all areas of my life. Get me out of my house and on my own, get Truly and I active with more walks and outings, and strengthen my commitment to life. Without her, I feel lost. I feel stuck. I feel like I can’t push forward. Yes, I have Truly and she is my heart and soul. But she isn’t tugging at her leash to go for a walk. My mom isn’t threatening to kick me out over her peeing on the carpet again. Lacey was my reason to stand up and really take a leap.

I’ve felt like complete crap the past three days. It’s like my body just took all the stress from work, school, and losing Lacey and decided to shut down my immune system and make me me want to puke constantly.

People keep saying adopting her out is “selfless”. Damnit, I want to be selfish.

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To move or not to move

Every 5 minutes I change my mind about what to do when it comes to my living situation. Do I hold out for a couple months and move out in the summer? Do I try to find a little house or apartment I can afford now? Do I cross my fingers that one of my friends will decide to move out and I’ll have an insta-roomie? Or do I suck it up and save up for the next year or two for a down payment?

There are so many factors, I feel like my brain is going to explode. Part of me is scared, what if I get in over my head and can’t afford rent or something breaks and I don’t know how to fix it? The other part craves that freedom and independence and certified grown-up responsibility.

Ok and another part is just obsessed with decorating my own place. I’ve collected lots of adorable mismatched vintage items and always have my eye out for perfect additions. I just found the cutest bedding set that I’m thinking about going ahead and purchasing – it’s purple and orange!

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I’ve been trolling Craigslist for what feels like 7 years looking at places and emailing landlords. I’ve even gone so far as to email actual realtors asking about places for sale. I feel like such a loser for still living at home. It feels lazy. It doesn’t matter that I work and go to school full-time and volunteer and freelance. I live in my mom’s house and that makes me feel like a kid who’s just pretending to be grown-up.

But I also don’t want to look back and regret that I didn’t just stick it out and save money. I have friends who already own houses and they’re not even 30. If I rent, will I ever be able to own? Am I overthinking this entire thing?

 

All the words

Sometimes I feel like words shouldn’t exist. You know how when you’re trying to spell something or you say someone’s name over and over and it starts to sound completely ridiculous? Bethany. Bethany. Bethany. Bethany. Beth – any? Beth-an-y? BETHANY??? What is this?? Who would put these letters together and say they are a thing? Was there some tribal council of word makers who would randomly pick scrabble letters from a bag and arrange them into words? And why can’t we just agree to allow proper nouns in Scrabble?

 

 

Sunday Social

Excited to be linking up again with the Sunday Social crew! I’ve missed having this weekly check-in with such a great community. 

 

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1. What is your favorite breakfast food?
I had the best breakfast burrito in the history of time at this little dive in Pittsburgh called Deluca’s. Scrambled eggs, cheddar cheese, hashbrowns, and veggie bacon all wrapped up in a tortilla. I’ve also had really good Nutella French toast at a local place. On a daily basis, I can not live without my Carnation Instant Breakfast which I have had for breakfast every single weekday since I was 12. 
 
 
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2. What is the best way to spend a free day?
What is this “free day” you speak of? This does not exist in my life. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I have a couple free hours in a row. If it’s nice, I like to go walk dogs at the kennel. If it’s not, a good book or a Netflix binge with my dogs and some crock pot experimentation.
 
 
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My girl, Jade.
 
 


3. If you had an airline ticket to anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
Based on cost of flight, I would pick India. My list of places to go is endless, but if someone gives me the option of a free ticket, I’m definitely picking somewhere I can’t afford to fly on my own.
 
 
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4. You can only leave the house with one thing…what is it?
Is this an emergency situation? If so, my dogs. If it’s just regular, everyday, I’m-so-late-grab-one-thing then I would say my phone. It’s not that I can’t live without it, but I feel more secure when it’s on me in case my car breaks down or something.
 
 
 
5. How do you take your coffee?
I’m not really a coffee drinker, but when I do drink it I usually get skim milk and some kind of flavoring added in. I much prefer a fruity green tea or spicy chai tea with nothing added. 
 
 
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Friday Faves

A handy little round-up of the things that made my week fabulous.

Your dog’s reaction when you get home.

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Pure, unadulterated joy. Or the occasional depraved indifference.

Kohl’s cash.

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Nothing makes me feel like an UES socialite like that little green coupon.

I have $40 to spend, which pretty much means I can buy 84 things.

Ben & Jerry’s Nutella ice cream

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This is brand new information. Ben & Jerry’s brought their Core line of ice creams stateside with Hazed & Confused leading the pack. This is pretty much Nutella ice cream. Need I say more?

Weather above 30 degrees.

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No jacket needed. The polar vortex has conditioned me to throw on flip flops when it hits 40.

CHVRCHES.

Like hazelnut ice cream for your ears except less cold and sticky.

Friends you can bitch with.

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Much needed. There is a deep level of bonding that can only occur when you hate the same people.

Influence of Familiarity

If I could telepathically transmit all my would-be blog posts from my brain directly to WordPress, I would have so many posts. But, alas, I have to try to remember my weird musings and then find the energy to write them up later. I am really not fancy enough for that.

I’ve been thinking lately about how familiarity influences our perception. Getting beyond the point where you’re judging that book cover. The better you get to know someone, the better you can love or hate them. I’ve started to see circumstances where familiarity forces something to grow on you. It’s like some sort of voluntary Stockholm syndrome.

Whenever I commute, I kick off my mornings with the Z Morning Zoo. It’s tradition. I’ve been waking up with the crew since middle school when I’d jam out to LinkinPark at 6am via my super cool shower radio. I can’t do pure music in the morning. I tune out way too easily and hearing peopledebating the merits of facial hair gives me that much needed buzz.

So anyway, my dial is tuned to Z100 when I get in the car to head home. I’m too lazy to set up a playlist, I have no space on my phone for music, and honestly it’s just easier to become a slave to Top 40 pop for an hour while I tune out. So I keep it on. Even for the crappy songs. I can pretend to be a music snob all I want, but I still jam out to Katy Perry.

I’ve started to find myself enjoying songs I used to completely hate. Like all I want to do when Timber comes on is belt along. Is it just that I know the words and melody and I like singing along, even though I am literally singing about a falling tree? Does that familiarity increase the positive connections I have with the song? Is my first instinct being trampled on by radio replay?

This can ring true in so many other situations. Like when people find themselves stuck in the same monotonous life they wanted to avoid all along. Or you get stuck in a bad relationship. Maybe you just get used to it. It becomes easy and familiar and you don’t have to try.

I don’t ever want to stop trying.

Potential Hobbies for Unemployed Disney Villians

+ Manufacturing stickier DVD labels
+ Sneaking meat into vegetarian dishes
+ Making campaign calls for tea partiers
+ Mislabeling clothing to be too small
+ Creating ridiculous wifi passwords
+ Stealing credit card numbers to make tiny indisputable purchases
+ Running an army of Twitter bots
+ Igniting border disputes
+ Egging on the neighborhood dogs’ 3am barking
+ Causing traffic jams
+ Tearing the legs off starfish
+ Aiding in the disappearance of single socks
+ Stealing all the chopsticks from sushi restaurants
+ Putting out one Christmas light on a 500 bulb strand
+ Producing sequels to awful movies
+ Stepping on sidewalk cracks
+ Picking scabs
+ Using up all the hot water
+ Selling email addresses to spammers
+ Never picking up dog poop
+ Turning every penny heads-down
+ Tricking people into forgetting to cancel their free trials
+ Making wine with an ABV under 5%
+ Creating a paper cut epidemic
+ Hiding keys
+ Writing theater reviews
+ Selling expired dairy products
+ Freezing mobile applications
+ Encouraging unsubstantiated bitching
+ Poking holes in Capri Sun straws
+ Activating the check engine light
+ Never replacing the toilet paper
+ Writing Nickelback songs
+ Underestimating the dietary needs of goldfish

Hey, nerds! Who’s got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn’t cried once today?

Yes, I’m back to using Liz Lemon quotes as blog titles. They just sum up my life so perfectly.

I haven’t updated in a week, but in my own defense, I have been so incredibly busy between a new semester, a new job, a new volunteer position, new campus activities, and of course, a new football season!

That’s a heck of a a lot of new, you guys.

This semester I am taking four classes at Centenary (16 credits) and one at County (3 credits). I lucked out and all the classes are either at night or online which I prefer since these are typically taught by associate professors who are still active in their respective fields. I have Advanced Accounting II on Monday nights, Organizational Behavior on Wednesday nights, Quantitative Literacy on Thursday nights, and Management Styles and Corporate Responsibility are both online.

I’m also blessed with an amazing new job I started last week. I am working on the social media team for a well-known public relations agency and am involved with some really cool clients. I’m so excited to learn more and get some hands-on experience with a variety of brands.

Last week, I started volunteering with Eleventh Hour Rescue, a local dog rescue that I’ve admired for a long time. They go around the country (and world!) saving dogs who have been sentenced to death for no reason except a lack of room in overcrowded and underfunded shelters. I got to meet some great people and adorable pups and am hoping to get started on some fundraising, marketing, and events with them as well! PS if you’re one of my two readers, please consider taking a second out of reading this insanely interesting blog post to vote for Eleventh Hour in Chase Community Giving. They are so deserving and just one click can save the lives of countless puppies who are going to be killed for no reason. Please help them!

I’m also happy to announce that I finally worked up the courage to go to some Campus Ministry activities at our school. There are two weekly events – Worship on Tuesday nights and Food & Faith on Thursday nights. I felt very welcomed and have had some great conversations. Last night I even felt God using me to reach out to others. So awesome!

And last (but certainly not least!) it is officially football season!

My Alabama boys are currently 2-0 with crushing wins over Michigan and Western Kentucky. Our conference games start this Saturday at Arkansas.

 

Two on Tuesday with Kate as of Late!

Happy first unofficial day of fall, everyone!



Question 1: What kind of driver are you?

I consider myself to be a pretty safe driver. I never text or look at my phone when driving and I always urge my friends to do the same. I’ve even held people’s phones hostage while they’re driving me and won’t answer texts if I know the sender is driving. I think this is an incredibly serious issue, especially among people my age who tend to think they’re invincible.That being said, I am a product of my Jersey upbringing and have no qualms when it comes to criticizing other drivers’ lack of common sense. I don’t hesitate in laying on my horn when someone cuts me off or does something equally stupid. I like my car, but I really wouldn’t mind not having to drive which is one of the reasons why city life is so appealing.

Question 2: What is your dream car, any specific amenities inside or out that are must haves?

I don’t actually have a dream car. When I was high school, I used to want a yellow Nissan Extera. But now, as long as it drives, has airbags, and doesn’t guzzle gas, I don’t really care. I don’t understand people who spend tons of money on a car just because of its name. I’d much rather use that money to travel.I think my only must-have if I were to get a different car would be a tape deck or iPod plug. Cami only has a cd player, so I use an FM transmitter to play my music. It doesn’t work too well sometimes and I’d like to have a better option for long road trips.