I’m not a player, I just crush a lot.

I will freely admit that I am one of those girls who fall in like very quickly. Whether it’s the cute Coast Guard boy in my accounting class, Alec Baldwin, or someone I have an actual shot at dating, I tend to read people fairly well and assess their potential in my large pool of daydream scenarios.

When I’m not crushing on a real, live human being, I sometimes turn to fictional characters. That’s right, I’m a fictiophile. I wouldn’t say I’m quite as creepy as the middle aged women who gets tattoos of Edward Cullen’s face on their bodies, but I’m heading in that direction.

Some of my current and former crushes include:

Oliver Wood (book version, not movie version)

In the books, we get to see him as a man in control (and maybe a little OCD). Yum.

Super Grover

Yes, I have a crush on a Sesame Street character. But it’s the superhero version, so back off.

Marius from Les Mis
If you’ve never seen Les Mis, you really should. I relate so much to Eponine, admiring Marius from afar and dreaming of being with him.
Cory Matthews

How can you not love Cory Matthews? I remember being young and watching Boy Meets World, dreaming about the day I’d meet a guy just like him,  loving and goofy.

Peeta Mellark (book version since I haven't seen the movie)

Oh, Peeta. He may be the perfect guy. Loving, protective, creative, and funny. Plus, he can bake.

Matt Saracen

I dare you to watch Friday Night Lights and not fall in love with Matt. He is so sweet, shy, and dorky, it makes me squeal. Watching him pursue and then love Julie is the most adorable thing ever.

Henry Alden from The Boxcar Children

One of my biggest childhood crushes. I used to dream I was their neighbor and got to go on adventures and fall in love with Henry.

Ephram Brown

Everwood was my favorite show through middle school/early high school. Ephram was my dream guy and probably the reason I dated a pianist. He was dark and brooding, and yet had this sarcastic humor I just loved.

 I’ve left out one of my biggest crushes: my Disney “prince” crush! You can see him revealed here tomorrow. (Ah, the anticipation).

And now that I’ve ‘fessed up, who are some of your fictional crushes?


Let’s hear it for the boy

This is a short PSA for all you gentlemen out there.

If you’re out at a bar/club/playground and see a cutie you wanna chat up, go right ahead.  Buy her a drink (juice box if she’s underage!) and make her laugh.  However, unless she is sending you crazy sexy signals (aka she is naked or groping you), please do not utter the phrase

“I wish you would come home with me.”

Girls are not genies. We do not grant wishes.

What is it with guys and this line? Are we supposed to take pity on you because you’re not getting laid by us tonight? Is this supposed to tempt us into creating some magic?

It doesn’t work. Never has. Never will.

You will be much better off with a that’s what she said joke.  Guaranteed to work 97% of the time.

I must be Cinderella cause I lost a shoe

We all have that one person.  You know, that guy or girl you crushed on or dated or hooked up with that none of your friends understand.  He’s probably completely unattractive to the general public, but to you, this person is Prince Charming.

My person was Don.  He was an Irish-Puerto Rican (these two should never mix) junior at my high school when I was a freshman.  He weighed about 97 pounds and had a head of pubic hair. (Boy do I know how to pick ’em!)

We were in a show together and something about him just turned me on.  He had sweet eyes and was definitely smooth, despite not having any actual game.  My naive 14-year-old self was smitten.

We dated on and off for a year before he moved on to newer and younger meat.  I was heartbroken.  He was a scumbag.  What sucked even more was being stuck in plays with him and having to watch him flirt with new girls.  I put on a brave face and moved on to much more attractive men, but part of me still wanted to exact revenge.

I got my chance that summer.  One night, my best friend and I were having a sleepover and I saw that Don’s AIM Away Message said he was hanging out at his friend Billy’s house.  Billy lived three doors down from me.  This was the perfect opportunity.

Once it was dark, Helen and I grabbed a carton of eggs and snuck down the street.  The plan was to egg his car, which he was extremely proud of, and then run like mad back to my house.

We came upon the beige sedan which I had ridden in many times without my mother’s knowledge.  I was finally going to get my payback.

I couldn’t do it.  I talk big, but inside I’m a sweetheart and would never hurt a fly.  Even if that fly is a douche.

While standing there facing a moral dilemma, we were startled by the sound of voices.  Don and his friends were coming out of the house!  We freaked out, dropped the eggs in the street, and ran.

I knew they were too close for us to make it all the way home without them spotting us, so we ran next door and hid behind this giant bush in the front yard.  I heard Don ask why the hell there were eggs in the street before getting into his car and starting it.

I thought we were safe until I saw headlights shining right into the bush.  He was probably just turning around, but I was convinced he had spotted us.

We dove into the bush and I felt my left flip flop slip off in the branches.  We held our breath for a couple minutes until we were sure the car was gone and there was no one around.  I searched in desparation for my missing flop: it was my favorite pair and I couldn’t stand to lose it.

I searched in vain before finally calling it quits and trudging back home.  I decided I would continue my search in daylight.

The next day, Helen and I took my dog for a walk, a clever rouse that would allow us to sneak a peak in the bush.  Unfortunately, the neighbors caught me as I was on my hands and knees, head first in their shrubbery.  I made up an excuse about losing a ball and once again fled the scene.

Two weeks later, I noticed that the neighbors were ripping up the bush.  I waited patiently for them to go inside, and then ran down to see if I could find my missing shoe.  It was no where to be found.

To this day, I have no idea what happened to my shoe.  Maybe one day a boy will return it to me and I can truly have a Cinderella story.

Always keep the curtains closed

During my sophomore year of college, I shared an on-campus apartment with three other girls.  I grew especially close with the girl I shared a bedroom with, Erica, and we quickly developed a slew of inside jokes.  We shared laughs, gallons of Crystal Light, and crushes.

There was this boy who was kind of a campus legend.  I mean, this guy was good-looking. Like the underwear-model, I-want-to-lick-barbeque sauce-off-his-stomach kind of beautiful.

We had decorated our room with funny pictures printed off the internet and decided to photo bomb our window with pictures we stole from this boy’s Facebook. Yes, we were cyberstalkers.  We added pictures of celebs to make it a little more acceptable… shirtless Jack Gyllenhal, Justin Timberlake, and Ryan Reynolds.

As my luck would have it, we ran into this boy and his roommates at a party one night.  I ended up talking to his friend the majority of the night and invited him back to my apartment to watch The Ringer (and for a make-out sesh).

One of my roommates was sleeping on the couch when we came in, so we decided to watch the movie in my room.  We went upstairs and I snuck into the closet to change while he settled in.  Halfway through pulling off my Spanx, I heard him ask “what’s this?”

I figured he was admiring one of my collages and came out to see.

He was standing at the window, staring at the picture of his roommate.  The picture that we had cut him out of.

I ran over and tried to close the curtain to hide the evidence, but it was too late.  He made up an excuse about having to go and pretty much ran out.

The next morning, Erica and I tore down all the pictures and never spoke of it again.

And that’s how cyberstalking cost me my chance at true love.