When you look up synomyms on Thesaurus.com (which I often do mainly because my brain is too ADHD to be able to think of the word I’m trying to think of), they usually provide example sentences for the use of the word if it can be a verb/noun/adjective/etc. So when I was typing the title for this post, I looked up flirt, and this was one of the example sentences:
He is a master of moving the dialogue along, an epicene flirt with a mustache who wears cashmere jackets and pastel socks.
I would like to find this man and marry him at once.
In other romantic news, I know it’s completely embarrassing and still not totally embraced by society, but I have an online dating account which I use occasionally as an ego boost and also in hopes of talking to interesting people who don’t wear wife beaters. You get a lot of creepy, hilarious, and scary messages, especially when dealing with a free service. I take these in stride, but I hit a new low with a recent message.
It was from a dinosaur.
I don’t mean an old guy. I mean an actual dinosaur. Not just the picture, the entire profile is that of a dinosaur.
So, there you have it. We’re even a 94% match. My dating prospects have now been whittled down to velociraptors.
Oh, and to explain the context of the message, I have a dinosaur nightlight because I’m afraid of monsters.
I will freely admit that I am one of those girls who fall in like very quickly. Whether it’s the cute Coast Guard boy in my accounting class, Alec Baldwin, or someone I have an actual shot at dating, I tend to read people fairly well and assess their potential in my large pool of daydream scenarios.
When I’m not crushing on a real, live human being, I sometimes turn to fictional characters. That’s right, I’m a fictiophile. I wouldn’t say I’m quite as creepy as the middle aged women who gets tattoos of Edward Cullen’s face on their bodies, but I’m heading in that direction.
Some of my current and former crushes include:
In the books, we get to see him as a man in control (and maybe a little OCD). Yum.
Yes, I have a crush on a Sesame Street character. But it’s the superhero version, so back off.
Marius from Les Mis
If you’ve never seen Les Mis, you really should. I relate so much to Eponine, admiring Marius from afar and dreaming of being with him.
How can you not love Cory Matthews? I remember being young and watching Boy Meets World, dreaming about the day I’d meet a guy just like him, loving and goofy.
Oh, Peeta. He may be the perfect guy. Loving, protective, creative, and funny. Plus, he can bake.
I dare you to watch Friday Night Lights and not fall in love with Matt. He is so sweet, shy, and dorky, it makes me squeal. Watching him pursue and then love Julie is the most adorable thing ever.
One of my biggest childhood crushes. I used to dream I was their neighbor and got to go on adventures and fall in love with Henry.
Everwood was my favorite show through middle school/early high school. Ephram was my dream guy and probably the reason I dated a pianist. He was dark and brooding, and yet had this sarcastic humor I just loved.
I’ve left out one of my biggest crushes: my Disney “prince” crush! You can see him revealed here tomorrow. (Ah, the anticipation).
And now that I’ve ‘fessed up, who are some of your fictional crushes?
When it comes to dating, I have no idea what I’m doing. I am the opposite of a love guru. My ineptitude dates back long before I even began my foray into the world of romance.
Despite never having a boyfriend, I decided to take on the esteemed role of matchmaker in the fall of 8th grade. My friend Liz had a crush on a boy in our class named Kyle. Kyle was the smartest guy in our grade. He was in band, he was tall and cute, and he was really nice. Lots of girls liked him and he had plenty of female friends. My two best friends were close with him and I was beginning to get to know him better as well.
I started out by talking to Kyle at lunch and trying to work Liz into the conversation. We soon exchanged AIM screennames and began chatting every night. We developed inside jokes and spent tons of time together at school. I found myself falling for him, despite my promise to Liz to get him to like her.
I denied my feelings at first. I’ve always been someone who puts her friendships before boys, so I refused to acknowledge my growing crush. I tried my best to shift the focus to Liz and include her in our conversations and activities, but Kyle did not seem interested at all.
Finally, the night of our Halloween dance, I planned to ask Kyle outright if he thought Liz was cute and if he would consider a date with her. I approached him on the side of the dance floor when suddenly one of the popular girls came up to us. She cooed over how cute a couple we were and Kyle looked at me with a shy smile on his face. I froze, no idea what to say, and ran away (this is how I effectively deal with all men).
I sprinted to the cafeteria where Liz was anxiously awaiting Kyle’s answer. I burst into tears and told her that I was afraid he might like me. She was not happy about this. She yelled at me for being a horrible friend and stormed off.
My friends found me and told me Kyle wanted to talk. I hesitantly agreed and we met in a quiet corner where he confessed that he liked me and had no interest in Liz. I continued to deny my feelings since I felt terrible for betraying my friend.
Over the next two weeks, Kyle kept trying to convince me to go out with him and even talked to Liz a couple times to try to smooth things over. She finally forgave me and gave us her blessing. The next day was Halloween, and Kyle asked me out while dressed like a hippie.
And that’s how I got my first boyfriend by stealing a man from my friend and being the worst matchmaker ever.
I pretend I’m a busy girl, but really I spend the majority of my time watching 30 Rock reruns and eating pizza bagels.
Liz: “I just wish people would tell you immediately when you meet them, ‘Hi, I’m so-and-so, here’s all the weird stuff about me.'”
Pete: “That would never work. If I told my wife in college ‘Hey I’m gonna lose all this beautiful hair and fart in my sleep for 20 years,’ she never would have married me. Love is like an onion, and you peel away layer after stinky layer until you’re just weeping over the sink.”
So freaking true. While I love the idea of getting to know someone over time, learning what makes him or her laugh/cry/puke, I think there are certain things you just need to know upfront.
Serial killer status. Really any jail time for that matter. Deal breaker.
Obsession with more than 2 professional sports teams. Two is the absolute limit. I love football, but I don’t want to spend my life watching sports. An ex insisted on watching every single Eagles, Phillies, 76ers, and Flyers game. And since all of them seem to overlap at some point, that leaves time for pretty much nothing else.
Too health conscious to fat around with me on Saturdays.
Crowd pleaser. You need to be original, be able to stand out, and think for yourself.
You dress up rodents like Steve Carrell’s character from Dinner for Schmucks. True story: a guy I went to dinner with buys specialty costumes for his guinea pigs and photographs them with tiny props. He has at least 7 Facebook albums of pictures.
Unwilling to step out of your comfort zone. If you’re never spontaneous and refuse to try anything new, it’s not gonna be fun.
You are dating other people/have a girlfriend/are married. Self-explanatory. I wish guys had to wear those Indian dots on their foreheads. Or maybe we could implement some sort of barcode system.
Allergies. Specifically to things I love such as puppies and peanut butter. Not necessarily a deal breaker, but still need to be considered.
Socks and sandals.
You have no drive. You’re working at a job you don’t care about and are in no hurry to find a better one.
You yell your own name when you climax.
Cheating. In Monopoly, in relationships, in life.
You’re going to judge me when I want to sit in my sweatpants all day and watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s. While I’m pretty awesome, I’m not going to be perfectly put together all the time. I’m gonna need to cry over Audrey kicking Cat out of the cab once in awhile.
You can’t afford to buy me a drink, or you’re too cheap to. Going Dutch is fine, but be a gentleman.
You wear women’s jeans and look better in them than I do.
Texting naked photos when I have not seen you naked in person.
Hatred of breakfast foods/pasta/beer/cheese. What is wrong with you????
We’ve gone on one date and you’ve already written a song about me.